


Awake

by waywardxmochi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anorexia, Anxiety Disorder, Bad Parenting, Bulimia, Emetophobia, Eventual Smut, Flirting, Fluff, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Insomnia, Minor Kim Jongin | Kai/Lee Taemin, Multi, Oh Sehun-centric, Romance, Sad, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, kim joonmyun/oh sehun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-09-01 05:19:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8610292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waywardxmochi/pseuds/waywardxmochi
Summary: Sehun simply could not sleep. His mind was always reeling with thoughts and images, never really catching a break from the way everyone was falling apart right under his eyes. His limbs could barely carry him through the everyday motions of being a soulless idol and he noticed in the early hours of the morning that he wasn't the only one affected by this lifestyle. Their lives were bound to their job, so much that it started peeling away their protective layers. It left them weak and tired and silent and Sehun's heart was begging him to do something about it.





	1. Bad Romance

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains various topics which people might find triggering such as descriptive details of anorexia and bulimia, self-harm and depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Moreover, all of my stories contain strong, explicit language and this one is no different. If these issues bother you and you feel like they might be triggering to you, please do not read this story. My aim is not to trigger anybody. Please seek help in any form available to you if you do suffer from any of these mental health issues and stay safe. xx 
> 
> Furthermore, I want to apologise for any mistakes you might find in this story, grammatically, spelling wise or regarding any of the issues mentioned above. I am doing my best learning. Please do let me know what you think, constructive criticism is always welcomed and well received.  
> Enjoy!

Jongin acts very tough, always smiling and always protective of his members whenever they would be attacked by crazy 'fans'. Baekhyun spends hours out 'with friends' and whenever he comes back at the dorms he looks like he just witnessed a puppy getting shot, his excuse is always "I'm tired, I walked a lot today." Kyungsoo is a strong man, at least that's what he shows people, but they all knew that his 'secret' arguments with his parents are breaking him inside yet no one in the dorms dares to say anything in the hopes that it will go away. Either that or for the simple fact that they had their own issues themselves. Chanyeol is and forever will be the prank master of the group, his big gummy smile could brighten someone's day instantly and his jokes were so un-funny that they became hilarious after a while of hearing them. The guy is radiating sunshine, yet only Sehun hears him cry in his room at night, the muffled sobs would puncture his heart and his chest would become heavy as he stood outside his hyung's room, listening to his cries and going through all the times Chanyeol avoided swimming pools, all the times he lied about having to change somewhere else, away from the members. Sehun decided not to go in, maybe the boy didn't want pity, Sehun wouldn't want pity either. Kris, Luhan and Tao were always hanging out, they were hiding something and Sehun knew it, later on, they all found out that Kris would be leaving the group and Luhan admitted that he thought about that also. No one could blame them really, they were all upset with the situation, but not with them. After all, the industry they chose to build a career in is cruel and tiring enough to scare someone off.

Minseok, on the other hand, is always at the gym, he's always coming back aching and avoiding food, sometimes he comes later than dinner time just to avoid eating and Sehun knew very well that this is happening because of all the mean comments about Minseok being chubby. Jongdae is always in his room, nobody knows what's happening behind his closed door but the latter only comes out when they have to go somewhere for schedules and whenever people aren't around so he could use the bathroom or get yoghurt from the fridge. Yixing, on the other hand, is a very chill person, he's nice to everyone, respectful, loving but behind closed doors, he hides his fear of being left out or not being good enough. He always does his best to be out there, to be seen just because he's scared of being forgotten. Lastly, Junmeyon's secret is the biggest, in Sehun's opinion, but he might be biased. Their leader is very hurt, he's very fearful of the group's future and he's under a lot of pressure from their manager and the members. Junmyeon has to deal with their manager's constant questions about the members, such as why is Chanyeol always so tired or why isn't Chen as social as he used to be. Sehun didn't think that Junmyeon knew why all this happened, so he always said that it's because we're all tired which is partially true, but not always. So Junmyeon is always putting on a smile, he's always organised and always on point with everything he does but nobody, except Sehun, know how he doesn't sleep at night, how he pushes his members to the limit and tries to encourage everyone to get out of this state they are in.

Sehun's secret? He was madly infatuated with his leader. It has started a year ago when Sehun was still seen as a little child by his members, Junmyeon was the only one who treated him like an equal. At first Sehun thought it was just because his leader was nice to him but then it turned into something more, Sehun became very protective of Junmyeon and he started noticing things like the way his brows curved whenever he was stressed or the way his lips curled when he watched his favourite film alone in their living room at night or maybe the way he had to squeeze something into his tiny hand whenever he lied. All these things that Sehun found endearing led him to look more into every single member of his group, just because it made him feel like one day, he'd be brave enough to speak up and help them. 

"Sehun!" Baekhyun screamed as soon as he walked through the door, his eyes bloodshot and his bony body shaking. 

"What's wrong hyung?" Sehun walked in from the living room, where he was watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban with Taemin and Jongin who were kind of ignoring Sehun, but he didn't mind, he never did. 

"Nothing, I'm just tired - hey, you know how you always give Suho a back massage whenever he's tired?" Sehun nods softly his way, knowing where this was going already. "Do you think you can give me a massage?" Baekhyun asked quietly, forcing a small smile to play on his lips instead of the frown that's always present these days. 

"Um, yeah, sure," Sehun said, turning on his heels and walking straight into his own room, which was right across the living room and leaving the door open for Baekhyun to join him. 

The rooms were small, with single beds with a nightstand, a closet incorporated into the wall, a desk and a dresser but Sehun managed to fit in a small bookcase where all his mangas were laid nicely in alphabetical order. Nobody really came here except Sehun and he was fine with that, this was the only place he could use to think and to relax without having to think about the other members. Soon after he decided to pay more attention to his members he realised the kind of impact it would bring him, always being reminded of their issues as soon as he saw them and not being able to stop himself from pitying them, especially Chanyeol. Baekhyun came into the room and sat down on the nicely made bed whilst Sehun closed the door.

"You have a nice room Sehun-ah." Baekhyun murmurs softly as he takes his jacket off and soon his t-shirt too. 

"Thanks, I tried to make it homely but there's so much you can do to a room this small." Sehun shrugs, not really noticing the fact that a fellow band member is half naked and sprawled on his bed in front of him. 

Soon he sits next to him on the bed and reaches for the body lotion on his night stand of which he pours generously on his friend's back. Baekhyun flinched at the coldness but soon relaxed as he felt Sehun's soft hands working the lotion into his skin. His muscles relaxed instantly and he couldn't help the little whine that left his mouth when Sehun rubbed over a really tense and knotted spot. Baekhyun looked around the room, trying to commit the place to memory and realising that the room is really just Sehun's mirror. He could see Sehun in the way his bed was so neatly made and the way his mangas were organized, even in the way he kept his clean clothes neatly folded on a chair in the corner of the room, waiting for him to sort them out into piles and then ready to be placed nicely into his closet. At first, everyone thought he would be very messy, just because he's younger than all of them but soon they learnt that it's exactly the opposite, he's the neatest of them all which Baekhyun found really admirable. Having time to juggle everything they had to deal with and keeping his room so clean and organised was a given in Baekhyun's books; Sehun's life seemed perfect compared to his. 

"So Sehun-ah, how have you been?" mutters Baekhyun in between groans. 

"I've been fine, just hanging around, trying to rest and to have some fun between the schedules." 

"Yeah, this comeback will be very hectic, with Kris and Luhan leaving and all." 

After having said that he apologises for bringing that up and Sehun rolls his eyes, they always avoided the subject when he was around but had no problem talking about it between themselves which irked Sehun really badly, badly enough that he stopped all the hand movement across Baekhyun's bare back. The older grimaced and looked behind at a very stern looking maknae. 

"I have an idea hyung, how about we drop the 'he's still a kid' thing you all do and face the fact that I'm not as fragile as you all think I am?" barked Sehun as Baekhyun stalled completely in shock. The older wasn't expecting such an outburst from the maknae. "Want me to prove to you that I'm mature enough?" Sehun asks as he gets up and wipes his hands on his jeans and Baekhyun turns around completely, looking dumbfounded. 

"I'm sorry Sehun, look, I wasn't trying to belittle you but-" 

"But what? You're hurt, I get it, but what's really childish is shutting people out when you're certainly struggling. We are here to support each other and you are certainly not making it easy for us to help." blurted Sehun who was now feeling less and less friendly. 

"What are you talking about Sehun?" by now Baekhyun knew what the younger was talking about but he decided to play dumb, in hope that he'll be able to just laugh in his face and make his escape. 

"I'm talking about the late night calls to Taeyeon noona every night hyung, I'm talking about the cute perfume you bought three weeks ago that now Taeyeon is boasting about to everyone and about the daily escapades to the SM building to meet up with her." beamed Sehun whilst leaning against the dresser. He was clearly happy with himself for rendering his hyung speechless. 

"Are you following me around Sehun?" barks Baekhyun angrily, only to be met by an amused Sehun. 

"Don't you think I have better things to do? I only had to open my eyes wide enough. For example, I have been dealing with insomnia for a while now, so I'm always up at night therefore whenever I walk into the kitchen I hear you talking rather loudly on the phone to your girlfriend. The perfume theory was easy, you always looked somewhat smug whenever she'd wear that particular perfume she was boasting about so I assumed that she's the girlfriend. My assumption proved to be true when one evening I walk out of the training room to get some water and I see you and Taeyeon noona walking upstairs towards the last floor." by now Sehun was breathless but quite proud of himself. Baekhyun was still on the bed, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide. 

" You can't tell anyone Sehun," begged Baekhyun and Sehun promised not to as long as he figures things out with Taeyeon. "We can't have any more members look like zombies all the time." and with that Baekhyun left in a hurry.


	2. Irrevocably Selfless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sehun always knew some of his hyungs are hard headed and stubborn. Baekhyun was always one of them. Nobody could get anything past him. As long as he wants something, he'll get it. There was this one time he made Chanyeol sneak out at three in the morning to buy him fast food they weren't allowed to eat. He did all of that with a single puppy eye look. You know, the ones that makes you wet yourself because it's so fucking cute. Sehun sighs, thinking about Jongin."

The next day passed by in a blur. Everyone minded their own business, some of them have barely spoken a word which Sehun found absurd, but he let it pass once again. As the day went on, they found themselves in the practice room at the SM building, trying to rehearse for the new album and trying to perfect the choreography. Jongin was at the front, like always, showing off his flawless dance skills whereas the rest of them were behind him, struggling to keep up. Sehun enjoyed this part of being an idol. He was never big on physical education in school or regularly attending the gym but since he became a trainee and started dancing he found himself enjoying all the difficult choreographies. Yeah, he certainly wasn't the best and he certainly had a lot more to learn but it's fun and a way to relieve stress. He looked at himself in the mirror. He dropped so much weight since he debuted, it's insane. Instead of the baby fat, there's now a nicely toned body. Sehun was never muscular or anything, he's rather skinny and he has a small frame but he doesn't mind it. At least not anymore. Sehun was really bothered by how tall and skinny he was until Junmyeon assured him that he looks great just the way he was which drove Sehun crazy. He blushed the whole day that day and that specific conversation was the material for all his sappy fantasies for the weeks that followed. That conversation was a turning point too, mainly because Junmyeon's opinion mattered so much more than anyone else's, even his own sometimes. 

"Hey, Sehun," mutters Baekhyun as he plops down next to the maknae.  
"Hyung," Sehun was always polite despite his attitude.  
"Who's your next victim?" Asks Baekhyun, a big smirk playing on his face as he picks up his water bottle and starts drinking.  
"What do you mean?" Sehun was confused.  
"Well, you certainly called me out last night for sneaking around, so who's next?" He asks, a bit more serious now.  
"I'm not here to solve anyone's problems but mine. You're an exception for the simple fact that you pissed me off," says Sehun quietly as they both stared at Jongin, who was focusing on the moves for Mama.  
"I say Jongin is a good idea," mumbles Baekhyun, not bothering to listen to Sehun who sighs.  
"I am not going to -"  
"Come on Sehun ah, have some fun!" Exclaims the older as if Sehun is being ridiculous, going by the look in his eyes. 

Sehun always knew some of his hyungs are hard headed and stubborn. Baekhyun was always one of them. Nobody could get anything past him. As long as he wants something, he'll get it. There was this one time he made Chanyeol sneak out at three in the morning to buy him fast food they weren't allowed to eat. He did all of that with a single puppy eye look. You know, the ones that makes you wet yourself because it's so fucking cute. Sehun sighs, thinking about Jongin. He didn't seem to have any problems Sehun could help him with, except his selflessness. His constant need to be useful. It always pissed Sehun off simply because Sehun always thought of himself as a very selfish person. It's not that he doesn't share things with people, that's stupid given the fact that he grew up with an older brother. No, he simply tends to put himself first in any situation. Maybe Baekhyun is just fooling around. Maybe he's just trying to have some fun by pushing Sehun around. What Sehun didn't understand was how he could possibly help Jongin, though. 

"Just give it a try, maknae, we need a bit of happiness around here," mutters Baekhyun, his tone monotone and sad now. 

By the end of the night, Sehun was at the dorms with all of his hyungs in their rooms. There was music blasting out of Kai's room and Sehun swallowed back the lump in his throat. Why the hell is he doing this? How is he even supposed to go to the elder and tell him to be a bit more selfish? This always ends up badly with them just telling him he's cute and stuff which only angers Sehun further. This entire situation makes him wonder if he actually has some hero complex. 

Breathing in, he knocks on the door and when it opens, he breathes out in relief. The person in front of him looks nothing like the harsh looking, cold guy fans see on stage. This wasn't Kai, this was Jongin in all of his awkward, sleepy glory. The boy smiled softly and moved inside the room, making space for Sehun on his unmade bed where they both sat down in silence for a while, the only sound being the music in the background. 

"It's a CD I got from Taemin, he's really into these kind of things," says Jongin sheepishly, but Sehun could see that his hyung actually enjoyed the small act of receiving a CD from his friend.  
"It's ok, I always get little gifts from my friends. It's pretty nice knowing someone cares enough to want to see you smile," Sehun says, beaming at no one in particular. 

Looking at Jongin, Sehun sees him looking grim and surprised. Nobody is used to the maknae speaking his mind other than for a bratty retort. Jongin sat back against the wall and they continued to act as if they're not there together along with a huge elephant in the room. Sehun didn't bother with formalities around Jongin, they made it clear from the first day that there's no point for that. Which is why Sehun feels a bit more comfortable talking to him. When he spoke to Baekhyun he was angry for being belittled but this is not the case now. Sehun just didn't know how to open the conversation. Even the thought seemed really rushed. How would he even know how his friend feels? It's not like anyone in this damned house ever talks. 

"Fuck it," Sehun grunts to himself and Jongin's eyes widen.  
"What's wrong?" He asks, worriedly, his tone a second nature as if he's always ready to offer a shoulder to cry on or to share someone's burden.  
"Stop worrying about us, God damn it!" Sehun whines, angry at himself for not starting this conversation in a different way.  
"You don't understand," he starts and Sehun feels like punching the older boy.  
"I don't understand? If I don't understand than the rest of you are in complete darkness," says the younger, his anger rising and spilling over unnecessarily.  
"You're young, it's ok to feel angry," he says calmly, trying to calm the younger.  
"I'm young, that doesn't mean I'm blind," mutters Sehun, unhappy with the way this conversation was going. 

The boy nodded his head and stood up to turn the music off. Once the sound was gone the silence was even more suffocating. The room was as small as Sehun's room but it was far more personalised. There are pieces of Jongin everywhere. On the bed, on the desk, on the doors of his wardrobe. The room screamed Jongin's name and Sehun was a tad jealous of how the elder seemed to have found himself already. 

“What’s on your mind?” he asks as he sits on the bed again, looking stiff but relaxing as soon as Sehun takes a deep breath.  
“What’s on my mind is the fact that everyone is hiding something in some kind of way and nobody is willing to address the issue,” complained Sehun and Jongin nodded his head once again as if he knew exactly what the younger was talking about.  
“And why do you think there’s something wrong with me?”  
“Because I can see just how dedicated you are to this group and how you stand up for all of us, but nobody stands up for you,” says the younger idly, calm now. 

Jongin looks detached as he laid on his back quietly, his insides churning and his mind reeling with the new information. He looked stressed and Sehun suddenly felt guilty for bringing this up so late, when the older boy is probably exhausted and hungry. 

“You think I’m being too selfless?” he asks quietly and Sehun sighs.  
“I think you should treasure yourself more,” says the younger, trying to sound confident and not like he’s angry with his friend for making him feel little.  
“I’ve never thought about it but I really hope you understand that it sounds crazy,” he says, two tiny sparkles in his eyes as Sehun got up and made his way towards the door, which was very close to the bed. "Who even complains about being selfless?" he chuckles and Sehun nods, he just wishes Jongin would love himself as much as he loves the rest of the group. 

That night Sehun couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation with Kai. He knew the older boy was just trying to reassure him and that this whole thing, whatever it is, is a whole lot of bullshit. Disappointed and tired, Sehun leant against the counter with a glass of milk in his hand. The house was pretty quiet, except for Chanyeol’s sobs in the distance. This entire thing is bullshit, I care about them, I really do but I shouldn’t be the one solving their problems. Thought Sehun as he drank the rest of his milk and placed the glass in the sink. 

From the hallway, quiet steps could be heard making their way towards the kitchen, where Sehun was washing his glass. Suho leant against the door frame and watched their maknae who grew up so much it made the leader’s heart want to burst. They were all so tired these days, so into their own little bubbles that nobody realised how lonely the younger was, except for Jumyeon. His shifty eyes caught glimpses of the younger boy. How his eyes were sunken in and the makeup artist always had a hard time concealing the dark circles under his eyes. Sometimes Suho's entire body stiffens with worry when he sees Sehun rock back and forth on his skinny legs, ready to fall. Suho knew Sehun has insomnia. Hell, he has known this for so long now but he never knew how he could possibly help. 

Turning around soundlessly, he left the kitchen. There was no point discussing problems in this house, nobody wants to talk.


	3. The Influencer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "On the other hand, Sehun always thought Kyungsoo is a very strong person. He does things on his own all the time as if he doesn't need anyone there at all. He never complains either! At first, Sehun thought it's amazing, not feeling the need to complain. It must be nice. Sehun himself has nobody to complain to, really, so he just writes everything down in a note on his phone to let his frustrations out. But Kyungsoo never talks to any of them, no more than needed that is. He's a very friendly hyung, always there to help and smother Sehun in hugs and feeding him good food yet he looks so damn broken when he thinks no one is looking."

Sehun sighed. The sketch pad and pencils laying in a heap on the floor next to him was mocking him. Why can't he draw anything? Sehun always enjoyed drawing ever since he was a little kid. It's kind of relaxing when everyone seems to be falling apart and really, it's not his problem. Sighing, Sehun curled in on himself on the floor, trying to divert his attention from everyone else's problems and focus on his own daily problem which is his stupid crush on his hyung. Sehun felt himself get crazier and crazier by the day. Just a few days ago he walked into one of their bathrooms which was unlocked and found Junmyeon hyung in the shower. Naked. Facing the wall. Sehun whined and covered his eyes as he laid down on the cold floor, remembering the scene. He wasn't sure whether he should be turned on or embarrassed. When he realised he walked in on someone, he slammed the door shut and walked right back to his bedroom, bursting bladder completely forgotten. Sehun fanned himself and turned on his back. He felt that the situation was getting out of hand. His hyung seemed to catch on to his weird behaviour too which scared him to bits. He didn't want to ruin their friendship especially now that they're so close but he can't help falling deeper and deeper for him either. Plus the bathroom incident wasn't even his fault. The damn door should have been locked. 

Sighing, he closed his eyes and thought about how he should stop trying to fix everyone's problems. He really felt like he was intruding on their lives and forcing them to talk when they clearly didn't want to. Yet Baekhyun hyung won't leave him alone. Sehun came to the conclusion that the older boy was either just messing with him for fun or he was simply way too enthusiastic about butting into people's business. Almost like he's part of something secret and talking to Sehun about it gives him that naughty child thrill everyone experiences when they do something bad. Just a few days ago he cornered Sehun in the dining room at the SM building and asked him who their next target is. Target, people aren't targets! Thought Sehun sadly as he picked up his things and placed them neatly in a plastic bag which he then placed under the bed. 

On the other hand, Sehun always thought Kyungsoo is a very strong person. He does things on his own all the time as if he doesn't need anyone there at all. He never complains either! At first, Sehun thought it's amazing, not feeling the need to complain. It must be nice. Sehun himself has nobody to complain to, really, so he just writes everything down in a note on his phone to let his frustrations out. But Kyungsoo never talks to any of them, no more than needed that is. He's a very friendly hyung, always there to help and smother Sehun in hugs and feeding him good food yet he looks so damn broken when he thinks no one is looking. 

There was this one time they were in the van going to one of their schedules which was across town. That meant that their drive was long and more tiring and boring than it should actually be. The van is always packed since they have so many members but this one time Sehun ended up sitting behind Kyungsoo who was texting furiously on his phone. Now, Sehun doesn't snoop on his friends. He finds it very awful just thinking about it but that's exactly what he did. He looked in the reflection on the window of the car. Kyungsoo was texting his mother telling her that he doesn't care if his father is upset. His mother seemed desperate in her texts and Sehun felt like an asshole for reading the conversation. So he just plugged his earphones in and ignored everything that was going on. 

When Baekhyun cornered him, the first person to pop in Sehun's mind was Kyungsoo. He didn't know why Kyungsoo seemed to be the one who needed support so much but in the end, he agreed to talk to him. How is he even supposed to do that? 'Hey, hyung, I know you have family issues, want to talk?'. Yeah, that sounds fantastic, thought Sehun sarcastically. Once again, he was at war with his own conscience over whether he should even try to talk to his hyung or not. It's not even his place to do so and if Kyungsoo wanted someone to talk to he would have initiated the conversation himself. Heck, he probably did have this conversation with someone, only that someone wasn't Sehun. 

The house was quiet when he walked out of his room and into the living room with his too long pyjama trousers trailing behind him. Everyone seemed to be sleeping, even Chanyeol who always cries at night. That is until someone plunged a key through the lock and made his way in, half whispering half shouting into his phone. Sehun watched as D.O took off his jacket and propped his phone between his shoulder and his ear. He then took off his shoes while listening intently to whoever he was speaking too. Sehun felt like he was intruding again, but there was no way he could go back to his room without his hyung seeing him. Well, damn. 

"No mum, this is my dream and he can't stop it from happening," he whined desperately into the phone. His voice was raspy as if he spent hours on end crying into the phone.   
"It's my fucking life!" he said, leaning against the door and facing the living room. His eyes opened wide when he saw Sehun on one of the couches. 

Sehun stood still, his knees drawn close to his chest and his eyes following the elder's actions of coming closer and sitting next to him. The phone call didn't last much longer after that. Despite the angry tone of the conversation, Kyungsoo told his mother he loves her and Sehun smiled. 

"I think I need to talk," murmured Kyungsoo as Sehun beamed and held his arms open towards the other, who laughed quietly and moved into the younger's embrace.   
"I'm listening, hyung," whispered Sehun as he held his friend close to his chest. 

As they sat in that awful position, Kyungsoo managed to spit out all of his worries. He told Sehun of all the arguments he's had with his parents. All the nights that ended in tears and frustration over the fact that his father wants him to be a lawyer instead of a singer. All the times his mother tried to convince him to give up his dream for a nine to five job that he has no passion for. Sehun listened as the other grew more and more aggravated by the minute, his voice soon breaking and tears soaking Sehun's flimsy t-shirt. 

"I don't know what to do Sehunnie," murmured the elder into his maknae's chest.   
"I can't tell you what to do, hyung, but I can tell you that you shouldn’t give up," the younger stated simply.   
"Arguing?"   
"Fighting for your dream," chuckled Sehun. "You're a grown up adult who's doing well in life and has a path of his own, you can make your own decisions hyung,"   
"It's not like I'm homeless and starving," Kyungsoo sniffled.   
"My parents were alright with me joining the company," Sehun started.   
"Are you trying to make me feel better?" frowned Kyungsoo and Sehun chuckled.   
"Yeah, if you let me finish. As I was saying, my parents have always been supportive but a friend who is also an idol wasn't as lucky,"  
"Is your friend still arguing with their parents?"   
"Oh no, she set them straight," chuckled Sehun. "She gave them an ultimatum; me or the dream you created for me."   
"Did it work?" Kyungsoo asked with his eyes glassy and lower lip jutting out.   
"Nope," Sehun muttered. "But she's happier than she has ever been before."

Kyungsoo nodded his head and laid there with the younger. Both of them were thinking about the way life threw curve balls at them, but at least they have each other and their friends.


	4. The First Plague

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Take your staff and stretch out your hand over the waters of Egypt, over their rivers, their canals, and their ponds, and all their pools of water, so that they may become blood"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning - This chapter contains descriptive mentions of self-harm. If you feel like this may trigger you in any shape or form, please skip this chapter. Thank you.

Chanyeol is a great guy. He's fun, kind, respectful and humble. Everything Sehun wants to be one day. When they first met as trainees, Sehun felt crap about himself. Here's this handsome hyung that has so many charms and great talents and then there's plain old Sehun. Chanyeol always assured him that it's not the case. "You're still so young, Sehunnie!" he would coo, pinch his cheeks and ruffle his hair lovingly. 

Sehun watched his hyung quietly from the corner of their practice room. He and Jongin were the only ones dancing during the breaks. How hard working they all were to exhaust themselves like that. Especially now that Luhan announced that he is leaving too. Sehun felt his chest tighten and he placed his hand over it, rubbing in circles. Baekhyun sat next to him quietly and handed him a bottle of cold water. 

"No thanks," muttered Sehun, his eyes trained on Chanyeol and his long, awkward limbs.  
"So, Chanyeol's next?" asked Baekhyun, quietly as they watched everyone doing their own thing.  
"Remind me again," breathed Sehun. "Why am I butting into people's lives?"  
"Because you seem to be the only one who can help," muttered Baekhyun, then turned around to face Sehun, and he smiled.  
"You suck, hyung!" whined Sehun tiredly as Baekhyun giggled at their whiny maknae.  
"Who sucks?" asked Kyungsoo as he plopped down next to Sehun and Baekhyun.  
"Hyung," said Sehun simply and Baekhyun smirked.  
"You're just playing hard to get," Kyungsoo laughed and Baekhyun shook his head amusedly.  
"Yeah, sure - " Sehun muttered and leant back. "You'd know." 

It was late when they got home from their schedule and Jongin's dogs were already waiting for them at the door, tripping people as they struggled to take their shoes and coats off. It was very rare when any of them got to bring their pets to the dorm for the simple fact that it is so tiny. But even so, Jongin's puppies always got special treatment from the manager for an unknown reason. The members simply accept this because at least the house seems a bit more lively when the dogs are around. Noisy, but lively while everyone was so tired, including Sehun who dropped on the couch as soon as he saw its inviting cushions and the warm blankets thrown around the armrests. The house is cold as their manager forgot to turn the heating on once again. It was also very quiet, but Sehun is used to that. 

Tiredly, he ignored the doors slamming shut, the music blasting and the locks turning and instead he focused on the polaroids adorning the white walls of their living room. Pictures of them pre-debut. Pictures of them posing in animal onesies. Pictures of them on stage and before they walked on stage for the first time. Pictured of the aunty at the Korean BBQ place near the SM building. Sweet memories that filled Sehun's heart with warmth, care and love. The same memories that keep him up at night when they play on repeat in his mind. The most prevalent ones are the first day they were told the name of their group, the day they first practised together as EXO and went to celebrate at said BBQ place. The times when Sehun practised their MAMA choreography over and over again with Jongin hyung, who never got annoyed with the lanky teenager but helped him instead. They all matured so well throughout all these years, so much that the memories are sweeter every day. 

He watched the white clock on the wall move slowly and soon it was 1AM in the morning. The house was quiet and dark, the TV showing re-runs of Running man, and he hasn't moved an inch for two hours, twenty-four minutes and forty-three seconds. Sighing, he rubbed his eyes lazily, his fists heavy with fatigue, he could barely lift them up so instead he decided to count the cracks in their ceiling. The intricate design boggled Sehun's tired mind as he struggled to keep up the count and not get confused. It's times like these when he gets really stressed out. His mind cannot keep up with him due to how tired he was so he counts the cracks on the ceiling over and over again, without realising that the old, white clock above the TV turned to 3:17AM and he hasn't gotten a wink of sleep. He already knew how many cracks there are in the ceiling or how many fingerprints each frame on the walls and on their mantelpiece has but his eyes are always drawn to those places. It gives him something to focus on. 

Sehun closed his eyes softly to tune out the spinning room. He listened. Jongdae just sneaked out to the kitchen to steal snacks as he always does in the early mornings. Jongin was snoring a bit too loudly for his thin walls to contain the noise and Baekhyun wasn't even home. He left minutes after they got back from practice. Slowly, he opened his eyes and he got off the couch, turned off the TV and dragged his feet along the empty corridor, towards the loud cries and miserable sobs coming from Chanyeol's room. He moved mechanically. It made no sense for him to be heading that way, he never does pluck up the courage and apparently, no one else does. Everyone knows about it, they're not stupid either are they deaf. They just don't know what to do about it. Chanyeol, he seemed extra sad today. Of course, no one noticed that part but Sehun. They only notice the crying which started out as quiet sobs here and there and throughout the last couple of months turned into loud sobbing and crying. How could they notice when they're so busy with themselves? Biting his lip, he placed his hand on the door knob and walked in quietly without knocking. He wants to help his hyung, he really does but why does his chest feel like it's ready to explode?

The room was dark but not dark enough for Sehun not to see. There were clothes scattered everywhere, magazines, empty snack wrappers littered the floor. A bunch of Amazon boxes were pushed far off into the corner of the room along with gift boxes, wrapping paper and bags from the fans. The little surfaces in the room were covered in empty plates and half full glasses of water. Sehun gasped loudly when he caught sight of the bloody razor blade sitting on the nightstand close to the bed. On the bed, Chanyeol was laying on his side, hugging his pillow close to his chest and sobbing brutally into it. He was wearing his boxers, a long white tee which was bloody on one side and his hips were blushing bright pink and full of angry red cuts, some of them new, some of them old. 

Slowly, Sehun laid down behind his hyung. He let his arms wrap awkwardly around his big frame and their legs automatically tangled together. The elder shook violently as he cried in Sehun's arms. Sehun rubbed his tummy in soothing circles and spoke quietly in his ear. Mostly by himself since he didn't expect the elder to respond. He felt like a child all over again, when he found his brother scratching deeply into his thighs after they went swimming with their cousins. 

"Have you cleaned them up, hyung?" he asked softly with his chin resting on his hyung's bony shoulder and Chanyeol nodded into his pillow, like a little kid who just had a nightmare.  
"You're so sad these days, I don't know how to do this, be compassionate and act like I understand because I don't," silence, Sehun frowned to himself and lowered his head into Chanyeol's upper back and continued. "But I want you to know that I am here, ok?"  
"Sehunnie…" Chanyeol's voice was hoarse.  
"It's alright hyung, you'll tell me in the morning," he paused and kissed between his shoulder blades, making Chanyeol giggle. "I just want you to sleep peacefully knowing that you're not alone,"  
"Thank you, maknae," 

Sehun didn't sleep at all. He couldn't help but question just how bad did Chanyeol feel to be able to take that blade to his skin. Not even once but on multiple occasions. Despite how dark the room was, he saw them well enough to see that they're not too deep and will heal over time. But there will be marks, right? Thought Sehun sadly as he held his hyung who managed to turn around and bury his face in Sehun's chest. Their bodies were now pressed tightly together and despite how cold the entire house was, Sehun was warm from Chanyeol's body heat. The maknae watched his hyung quietly, trying to work out how to talk about this, how he could maybe help. He wanted to help, really. He just didn't know how to and he simply didn't have the energy to. During times like this, his mind flies to happy things and memories. He gets to think about the cute sparkle in Junmyeon's hyungs eyes, about the big smiles and soft words that Sehun wished were reserved for him. He closes his eyes and hopes the memories of tickle fights and sharing cotton candy with his crush. Of course, he rarely falls asleep like that. 

Stirring, Chanyeol woke up bit by bit, feeling Sehun's tight hold on him. Sighing, he burrowed himself further into the maknae's chest. How reckless was I to leave the door unlocked? He thought to himself and Sehun rubbed his back lovingly as if he were a child. The room was silent apart from their soft breathing and the clock next to the bed ticking. 6AM. They'll have to be up in an hour to go to the gym. Soon, manager hyung will walk into the room and tell them to wake up. But how could Sehun wake up when he never fell asleep? His entire body felt heavy and he felt a bit nauseous too. 

"I'm sorry you had to see this," Chanyeol spoke quietly and Sehun shook his head.  
"I'm glad I did, now that I know I can try to help,"  
"I can't be helped, I've tried so many times but I just don't know how to, I'm such a fuck up" whispered the elder and Sehun stood silent for a while.  
"You need to go to a doctor, they can prescribe some kind of medication," spoke the younger quietly, not wanting to disturb the peaceful silence of the room.  
"That shit doesn't work," his voice sounded uncertain and Sehun smiled.  
"Actually, it does. Maybe you're lacking serotonin, you won't know until you go and check it out,"  
"Promise me you won't tell anyone?" Chanyeol sounded desperate, his voice breaking as he started crying again and Sehun squeezed him closer to his chest.  
"I won't, but you have to promise me that you'll talk to manager hyung and go to a doctor," mumbled Sehun and Chanyeol nodded his head, wiping his tears with his shirt.  
"I promise,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and the description are references to the bible that came to mind when I wrote this. Personally, I'm not religious but I decided to use them anyway even though the chapter has no religious connotations. I hope it's not offensive given the context. If you do find it offensive, I'm really sorry I upset you.


	5. The Only Constant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They all started digging into the food with hungry eyes and slurping sounds, even Minseok was shovelling spaghetti down his throat. Sehun stopped sometimes to watch him with the corner of his eye but nobody paid attention to it and how weird it was to watch someone eat like they've never tasted food before. None of them realised that this is the first time in forever they're all eating together."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains graphic mentions of binging/purging and eating disorders. If this triggers you in any way, please do not read. Thank you xx

It's been two weeks since Sehun talked to Chanyeol about his problems. Also, two weeks since he realised the elder has been speaking more to Sehun and the other members. Kyungsoo too has been more talkative and they seem generally happier. Sehun didn't mind all the attention, who would, but he was really curious to see if Chanyeol actually spoke to their manager to get help. Sehun really wished he did, as it would be way too awkward to just go up to him and ask.

"Sehun-ah!"  
"Junmyeon hyung!" Sehun stammered and gripped the edges of his seat.

They were currently at a restaurant in the suburbs of Seoul. Their manager said that they worked really hard for this new comeback so they deserve a break! Apparently, to manager hyung, a break means a good meal and tomorrow back to work. Sehun smiled shyly as he looked at his hyung, who sat down next to him, Jongdae and Minseok in their tiny booth. His hair's now a beautiful shade of blonde which makes him look older, but still really, really good, thought Sehun, a bright pink blush spreading across his cheeks and his palms becoming increasingly sweaty. The moment Sehun saw his hyungs new hair style he was left speechless and Junmyeon smirked. He knew that the younger was digging that look on him.

"How's my favourite dongsaeng doing?" Junmyeon asked, smirking as he picked up a menu and started flicking through it.  
"Uh, I'm fine. I don't really know what to order," mumbled Sehun as he watched Minseok, with the corner of his eye.

Minseok has been having problems with eating for quite a while. He would go to the gym for hours in their spare time and Sehun cannot remember the last time he saw his hyung eat. His heart ached as he watched Minseok bite his lips and close the menu. The red jumper was hanging loosely on his bony body and the room was pretty hot, but Minseok was shivering slightly.

"I think I'll just have fries and steak," Sehun murmured sadly towards Junmyeon hyung, who nodded silently.

Sehun's heart started racing when Junmyeon leant over to whisper into his ear. Their bodies were touching and Joonmyeon's sweet, hot breath tickled Sehun's neck, making him shiver. His hyung's hand rested softly on his knee and his voice seemed to be laced with something that made his seemingly innocent words sound filthy. Get a grip, begged Sehun's mind desperately as he tried not to stare at the body that was put on display for him. Long craned neck, strong chest and plump thighs. Sehun felt himself figuratively melt in his seat. 

"Do you think you can give me a back massage tonight?" He whispers hotly, his fingers gripping Sehun's forearm as he continued. "Minseok hyung has been wearing me out at the gym," 

Sehun nodded as the food arrived and he heard his band mates groan with relief. The waitress was a young foreign girl with long, brown hair, green eyes and very short legs. She placed the plates in front of each one of them and Sehun sighed. He finally gets to eat after a hard day of dance and vocal practice. Sometimes it gets like this, they often forget to eat and only eat late at night or sometimes they simply skip food altogether until the next day when they have a thirty-minute gap in between schedule. They all started digging into the food with hungry eyes and slurping sounds, even Minseok was shovelling spaghetti down his throat. Sehun stopped sometimes to watch him with the corner of his eye but nobody paid attention to it and how weird it was to watch someone eat like they've never tasted food before. None of them realised that this is the first time in forever they're all eating together. The conversation was in full bloom at each booth. Sehun revelled in the way the atmosphere lit up with laughter and joy, even though he knew it was forced.

"So - " Jongdae started with a sly smirk on his face. "Have you seen any pretty ladies recently?"

Sehun choked on his food and Minseok laughed loudly, tomato sauce dribbling out of his mouth and all.

"Uh, no," Sehun has always been uncomfortable with these two things. Small talk and people questioning his romantic life.  
"Oh come on, none?" at this point Jongdae looked shocked and it seemed like Junmyeon's ears perked up.  
"No," Sehun murmured and shoved food in his mouth, hoping the conversation would be shifted to someone else.  
"What about you, leader?" asked Minseok cheekily as he played with the rest of his food, now that no one was focusing on eating.  
"Oh, I do have my eyes on a particular someone," Junmyeon smiled.  
"You can't just say that and not tell us who the person is," Sehun found himself saying before thinking it through.  
"You're not telling, why should I?" the leader inquired softly as the other two stared at them.  
"Fair enough," Sehun shrugged, trying to look nonchalant.  
"I'll be back in a minute," muttered Minseok as soon as he finished eating. 

Sehun watched him intently, ignoring everyone who was talking around him. At least they're forced to communicate now. Minseok sprinted towards the toilets, dodging waiters and randomly placed tables, he nearly slammed the door behind him. He was going to throw up everything he ate just now. It's nothing new to Sehun, he has heard this pretty often. Usually when manager hyung comes in and makes him eat. 'You're too skinny,' and 'Girls like men with muscles!' Which is stupid because Sehun himself has no muscles but is still pretty popular with their fan girls. He's also pretty sure it's not helpful at all.

Slowly, Sehun got up, pushing his fries away and walked towards the bathroom. He felt Junmyeon's gaze on his back as he walked away, but before he could turn around and stop himself from butting in, he opened the door and puking noises were all he could hear. The sight made his stomach churn. Minseok was bent over a toilet bowl, shivering. Sehun sobbed to himself when he saw the tear streaks down his hyung's face. He patted and rubbed his back, urging him to calm down and soon they were cuddled together next to the toilet, with a crying Minseok and vomit everywhere. What a night, thought Sehun tiredly, rubbing his hyung's back. Sehun tried hard not to gag at the sight but just comfort his friend. His friend who's so skinny, Sehun feels like he's holding a bag of bones. Soon, he calmed down and rubbed his eyes with his fists, just like a cute, innocent kid. He yawned and cuddled into Sehun, not thinking about the outside world at all. Sehun knew they should be getting up. They should clean the place and clean Minseok up before one of the members, or even worse, another customer would come in and find them in this mess. 

"Hyung?" Sehun whispers as he tightens his arms around the elder.   
"Hm?"   
"Let's get back to everyone and we'll talk about this at home, alright?" Muttered Sehun, his lips pressed against his hyung's hair. 

Minseok nodded quietly and squeezed the maknae's hand before they got up. He washed his face and swished water around his mouth compulsively, barely standing on his wobbly legs while Sehun wiped down the toilet seat and flushed the toilet. When he turned around, they both locked eyes on each other and mentally agreed that the place stinks. Smiling, they walked out of the bathroom and walked towards their members who were waiting patiently at the door. 

"Are we leaving already?" Asked Sehun and Jongdae scoffed.   
"You've been in there for ages, of course, we're leaving!" He muttered and Minseok blushed.   
"It's nice to have you back, Jongdae," chuckled Baekhyun as they left the restaurant. 

That night was a very restless one. Everyone in the house made their way to their rooms as soon as they got home. Sehun sighed as he picked up a can of soda from the fridge. Minseok came home with them. Usually, EXO M has their own little dorm when they're in Korea, but this time around Sehun made sure to make a little scene when it came to leaving the restaurant. He made sure to do some aegyo for his hyung, saying how much he missed him and that he should spend the night over. The rest of EXO M scoffed at the scene and Sehun felt kind of bad but he couldn't care all that much when he has so much to talk about with Minseok, who was currently behind him, leaning against the counter. 

"Aren't you supposed to give Junmyeon a massage?" Asked Minseok quietly, smirking when the maknae chocked.   
"Uh, yeah, I will," he nodded, feeling himself blush. "Talk to me hyung,"   
"I'm managing, Sehun, I'm starting to look good!" He mutters happily or at least looking like he was happy. Sehun simply couldn't see how his hyung could possibly be happy with what's going on.   
"Is it because of those mean comments?" asked Sehun as they sat down at the dinner table.   
"That's how it started," Minseok spoke in whispers, looking almost embarrassed.   
"There's no reason to be embarrassed hyung, they get to all of us at one point," Sehun hugged his hyung, who immediately snuggled closer, craving the heat of the younger's body. "It's so sad to see you like this,"   
"But I'm starting to look good, finally I won't drag the rest of you down,"   
"You're not dragging anyone down, hyung," said Sehun, a bit surprised at how sad he sounded.

Minseok stared at him for a while, his face completely void of emotion so that Sehun started feeling uncomfortable. 'This entire thing sucks, how am I supposed to do this?' though Sehun as he turned around and picked up a bunch of cookies, which he then took to his room. The house was quiet and cold once again but this time around, no sobs were heard from down the hall. Sehun smiled as he placed his glass of milk on his tiny little desk and broke pieces of the cookies into it. Minseok sat down quietly on Sehun's bed, just watching him make his concoction of milk and cookies with hungry, sad eyes.

"I don't know how to stop this," he muttered and looked away, too ashamed to actually face the younger boy.  
"You don't have to do it alone," said Sehun, hoping to look half decent while drinking and eating at the same time.  
"You wouldn't understand," said Minseok weakly, moving the lay down on the bed with his arm draped across his eyes.  
"No, but I'm willing to try," Sehun said, munching on the moist cookie in his mouth and laying down next to his hyung.  
"Really?"  
"Of course," he scoffed, making the elder push his shoulder slightly. "Otherwise I wouldn't be cleaning puke off a public toilet for you,"


	6. Freak Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hyung?" He muttered loud enough for the other to hear, but not loud enough to startle him. 
> 
> The maknae crouched down in front of the shaking boy, trying not to startle him. His mind whirled with exhaustion and confusion. Is Jongdae hyung having a panic attack? 
> 
> "It's alright, you're safe," he spoke quietly but firmly. "Hyung, look at me please," he tried again. 
> 
> Jongdae looked up at him, panic evident in his eyes. His body was shaking roughly and his cheeks were flushed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter deals with anxiety attacks. If this bothers you in any way please do not read. Thank you! <3

Sehun stifled a yawn as he curled up in the corner of the practice room, against the cloud wallpaper. Another tiring day of dance practice for their next big concert and Sehun felt like his body might just snap into pieces. The rest of the guys went to the canteen to eat, even Minseok hyung promised him to eat a banana or something. They made little progress while EXO-M was here. It was really hard getting the older one to eat anything and most of the time he would run off to talk to people. Sehun was getting tired of picking up little snacks for his hyung then having to put them right back where they were before. Trying to help his friends was hard and once again, he was questioning himself. Why must I act like a hero? Do I even have a right to butt into their lives like this? Maybe they don't even want me to help but they feel too bad to tell me. 

Sehun was exhausted. Scratch that, he could feel his body giving in with every step of their complicated dance routine. He hasn't slept in three days and he can certainly feel it building up. The tension in his muscles was getting harder and harder to bear but he said nothing. Junmyeon stopped by his room the night before, jokingly asking Sehun if he forgot about his back massage but quieted down when he saw his maknae's tired, puffy eyes. Sometimes when he can't sleep he gets this crazy urge to just cry it out. Loud sobbing, knocking things over, screaming, the lot. Of course, he doesn't do all of that but sometimes he lays quietly in bed and sobs into his pillow, hoping it would tire him out. Sehun smiled at him softly and moved further in towards the wall so that Jumyeon could cuddle with him. 

"Maybe I can fall asleep like this," he muttered, his face buried in Junmyeon's chest. 

If only, thought Sehun bitterly now. He hasn't gotten a wink of sleep even with his crush cuddling him to sleep. But at least he got to watch his hyung fall asleep. Stretching his long and awkward limbs, Sehun smiled at the memory. Junmyeon is a really small guy but as soon as he fell asleep he took over the bed entirely. His legs and arms spread out like a starfish and his lips turned pouty as a consequence of his dreams. Sehun loved watching the expressions on his face. Furrowed eyebrows and cute frown, sweet smiles and heavy breathing. It all felt like a present to Sehun who just couldn't pluck up the courage and ask the older man out. 

He's not stupid. Heck, none of them were. The tension between the two is always suffocating and the leader is so obviously flirting with him whenever he sees fit. It always results with Sehun blushing a bright red and turning away indignantly because blushing is not manly. He saw the mocking amusement in the member's eyes when the leader fell asleep on him during one of their movie nights. His arms were so beautifully draped over Sehun's lap and his soft breaths warmed up his thighs. How could he even think of waking up his hyung when he looked so precious. 

Sighing, he laid down completely on the wooden floor, desperate for a nap. His body flattened against the floor and his upper back stiffened even more. The lighting in the room was too bright, the noises coming from the mini fridge hidden awkwardly in a corner kept his mind going. Why can't I fucking sleep? Cried Sehun loudly. He knew whining about it didn't help anybody yet he couldn't help the tired tears falling down his cheeks. His eyes were burning and his face was cold and numb. 

The door to the practice room opened and slammed closed loudly. The maknae looked up. In front of the door stood Jongdae, shaking and crying quietly to himself, not aware of Sehun's presence. Sehun struggled to get up, his legs raw with fatigue, he stumbled across the room towards his hyung who was now tucked away in a corner, hugging his knees to his chest and sobbing loudly. Sehun felt the way his face hurt when he spoke. 

"Hyung?" He muttered loud enough for the other to hear, but not loud enough to startle him. 

The maknae crouched down in front of the shaking boy, trying not to startle him. His mind whirled with exhaustion and confusion. Is Jongdae hyung having a panic attack? 

"It's alright, you're safe," he spoke quietly but firmly. "Hyung, look at me please," he tried again. 

Jongdae looked up at him, panic evident in his eyes. His body was shaking roughly and his cheeks were flushed. 

"Take your jacket off for me please," said Sehun, not moving to help but letting his friend focus on the task. 

The older boy took his jacket off slowly, his fingers trembling as he dropped the item of clothing on the floor next to him. The room was quieter now, except for Jongdae's elaborate breathing. As the minutes passed, the two didn't break eye contact. The maknae asked his hyung to stretch out his legs and lean back against the mirror. 

"Thanks, Sehunnie," murmured Jongdae ten minutes later.   
"It's quite alright," smiled Sehun as he walked to his duffle bag in the corner of the room where he took out the small knitted blanket he stuffed there earlier. 

He draped the blanket over his friend who murmured a soft 'thank you'. Slowly, the practice room started filling up again with the rest of the members. They all looked perplexed after seeing the two like that but didn't ask any questions. Except for Junmyeon who looked and felt so guilty. 

"What happened?" He asked and his voice was laced with worry, making Sehun's tired body want to comfort him.   
"Nothing," muttered Sehun.   
"It's ok, maknae," said Jongdae, all eyes focused on him now. "I had a panic attack," 

Everyone stayed quiet for a minute or so, processing the information and trying to understand the situation. Nobody in the group was actually aware of Jongdae's panic attacks. Jongin shifted uncomfortably on his long legs, looking as if he wanted to say something but doesn't know how to or maybe he does and doesn't want to hurt Jongdae. Baekhyun's eyes ran over Sehun's form, he was quietly contemplating Sehun's state. The younger was resting against the big mirrors of the practice room, his eyes unfocused and his mind close to shutting down, a headache forming. 

"And Sehun helped you?" Asked Minseok quietly and Jongdae nodded, the atmosphere thick with understanding.   
"How did you know what to do?" Asked Kyungsoo who was fumbling with his bag, looking for a bottle of cold water.   
"My aunt started having panic attacks after giving birth to my cousin," he mumbled quietly, hoping everyone can hear him. "One time we were alone with the baby and she had this massive panic attack. I didn't know what to do so I called for an ambulance, they didn't send one but they walked me through what I have to do,"   
"That's great!" Spoke Jongin excitedly, bouncing on his feet. 

Sehun didn't hear the rest of the conversation as his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fell with a loud thud.

\-----------------

Not too much later he woke up at the dorm, tucked warmly in his bed. His eyes struggled to open and the warmth was suffocating him, despite the fact that he was merely wearing his boxers and a t-shirt. How did I end up in my bed? He asked himself as he looked around the room with red, puffy eyes and a frown that put the grumpy cat to shame. The last thing he remembers was talking Jongdae hyung out of a panic attack and then he woke up in his bed at the dorm. Swallowing back the tension in his throat, he looked at the small, medicinal looking clock on the wall. 

9:42PM 

"Holy shit," he whispered to himself, his mouth dry and feeling like cardboard. "I slept for six fucking hours." 

Sehun felt his heart beat faster at the thought. He stretched his long limbs under the heavy blanket and relaxed, thinking about how he hasn't had a good night's sleep in forever and how his body felt like it belonged to him again. He sighed a content sigh and stretched and purred like a cat, revelling in his sleepy, comfortable state. He felt like he could conquer the world if he really wanted to. Heck, he might even try. Chuckling, he reached for his phone and started scrolling through the endless messages and missed calls. He checked his favourite apps before getting out of bed since he doesn't feel like sleeping again.

His long legs wobbled a bit when he stood up straight and the bones in his body complained loudly. Yet he felt more awake than he has been in a very long time. Quietly, he put on a pair of pyjama trousers and walked out into the cold hallway. Across from where he stood outside his bedroom door was the living room that was forever open due to a pretty, aesthetic arch in the wall. The TV was on some stupid cartoon and on the other side of the living room, Baekhyun had Taeyeon noona pinned to the couch. They were making out and giggling in between each heavy kiss and Sehun felt his cheeks heat up as he slowly and quietly retreated back to the safety of his room. Maybe going back to sleep is a good idea.


	7. Sticks and Stones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yixing came into the room looking small, hunching in on himself and crying softly with a whimpering Jjangu at his feet. He looked like an overgrown doll with his pearly white skin and button eyes. It made Sehun's heart melt in an instant as he sat up, feeling a bit alarmed. The older boy closed the door and sat next to Sehun. Neither of them speaking, just reaching out for each other, hands grabbing onto each other's clothes and fingers digging into skin and bones. Hugging Yixing felt like heaven and Sehun breathed in his fruity perfume. It was intoxicating and dizzying."

It happens to every kpop group after a while. Arguments arise, the pay isn't good enough, living conditions are horrible too and sometimes people just give up. Sehun knows this is just how things work. Nothing can ever be perfect and be real at the same time. It's just not possible. So when Tao came home one evening on a day off with a letter in his hand and a small smile on his face, they all knew he was leaving. The entire atmosphere went to shit that evening. He sat them all down with a guilty frown on his face, his hands twitchy and his body caving in on itself. "I'm really sorry you guys," he muttered and they all nodded, some unable to meet his eyes. Sehun knew nobody held any grudges on the members that left. It would be plain childish to want to keep them here against their own will. That doesn't mean Sehun wasn't sad or even a bit angry. Hell, they were supposed to be a family, right? This is how everything started and if family can't understand you, who the hell can? 

Needless to say, their numbers went down from twelve to eleven, from eleven to ten and from ten to nine really fast. So fast that adjusting was hard. Sehun found it odd at first. In a way, he shouldn't even be all that bothered. At this point, EXO M mostly promotes in China which means they are rarely around anyways. But even so, Sehun grew up with these people. He trained alongside them, they went out to eat after practice almost daily and did homework together in their early trainee days. They were all like brothers. Sehun couldn't help feeling a tiny bit hurt, but he wanted everyone to be happy and if leaving the group is what it takes to make the three happy, then so be it. Now that things are changing, the air thickened with tension that makes it hard to breathe sometimes. 

Sehun sighs and rolls around in bed for the nth time tonight. The room is warm and small, suffocatingly small and his bed sheets sticky from his sweat. He just couldn't fucking sleep. Hours upon hours of staring at blank walls, playing stupid games on his phone and reading new posts on their official forums, and he just can't fall asleep. It's like he's been cursed with this see-it-all insomnia. So damn weird too, sometimes when he can't sleep he wonders if he made some sort of deal with the devil to take away his ability to sleep in exchange for whatever this is. Helping his friends makes him feel good, there's no denying that and honestly, he's quite happy to be there for his friends. The atmosphere lightened up now that his members started opening up to him and to each other. He feels a lot better knowing that the people around him are happy. Well, happier. 

In times like these, he stops and thinks about the progress everyone has made and wonders why was it that his group is so damn fucked up. Everyone came so far. Chanyeol spoke to their manager about his self-harm issue and now he's getting help. Sehun didn't fail to notice the butterflies drawn in black sharpie on his hyung's wrists and thighs. When he asked Chanyeol about them he simply shrugged and said that it's some weird coping mechanism. "I'm not supposed to kill the butterfly," he said and Sehun nodded, thinking that this coping mechanism thing is total bullshit but if it helps, then who is he to judge? 

Minseok hyung has been eating more these days. He comes home early from the gym too, picks up leftovers from the fridge and sits down with Sehun and Kai on the couch, watching TV and eating until late at night. Mind you, it's not easy and sometimes Sehun finds Junmyeon patting their hyung's back as he's heaving his soul and guts out into the toilet after a big meal. It's certainly not something any of the hyungs take lightly. Since everyone found out one way or another, they've been making sure to always have some sort of fruit or granola bar with them. Just in case they can convince Minseok to have some. At least they care about each other.

On the other hand, they started seeing more of Jongdae too. He's finally emerging from his bedroom to hang out with the rest of the group. Now that everyone knows about his panic attacks, they've also learnt how to help him through one if they're ever alone. Baekhyun took special care of him for some reason which Sehun finds amusing. Bakehyun tends to be very annoying when he's worried. He paces the room and talks off the ear of anyone who's willing to listen. At one point everyone was done with it and although Jongdae was very thankful, he just had to tell him that he's fine. 

However, when Yixing came up to him one day he couldn't help but be surprised. Not because he's been the one butting into people's lives but because the older boy came to the youngest for advice. A shoulder to cry on, to be more specific. It was a few nights ago when Yixing knocked meekly on the door to Sehun's bedroom. Sehun knew it had to be one of the EXO-M members since they've been staying with them for quite a while now to promote in Korea. Since the other three Chinese members left, their manager said it would be easier if they all just shared when Minseok, Jongdae and Yixing came around, which seems to be more and more often now. Sehun was quite glad this was the case. Sometimes the house felt too cold without the whole group and the car rides too silent. 

At first, when Yixing knocked on the white door, Sehun didn't hear him. The second time around, the knocking grew more and more insistent. Yixing came into the room looking small, hunching in on himself and crying softly with a whimpering Jjangu at his feet. He looked like an overgrown doll with his pearly white skin and button eyes. It made Sehun's heart melt in an instant as he sat up, feeling a bit alarmed. The older boy closed the door and sat next to Sehun. Neither of them speaking, just reaching out for each other, hands grabbing onto each other's clothes and fingers digging into skin and bones. Hugging Yixing felt like heaven and Sehun breathed in his fruity perfume. It was intoxicating and dizzying. 

"I need to talk to someone," muttered the older boy into Sehun's shoulder, his fingers splayed out on Sehun's waist. 

Sehun hummed quietly and rubbed Yixing's back through his flimsy black tee shirt. Hugging him always felt natural for some reason. Yixing is well known in their group as the 'cuddler' which at first they all teased him for it but after a while, everyone started sneaking into his room. Their cheeks would press against his chest, their legs would tangle and their embrace would be tight enough to get rid of all their worries. So when Sehun hugged Yixing, it felt like sleep. Like a comforting blanket of dreams and warmth and quiet. It was heavenly in the best way possible. 

"I don't think I can take it anymore," his voice was soft in Sehun's ear, a mere murmur followed by a sob. "What if they'll start saying I'll leave too?"   
"Of course they'll say that hyung," chuckled Sehun sadly, not letting go. "But we don't care about all the crap they say about us, do we?"   
"I do,"   
"Why?" 

The answer to the question was so obvious. Sehun knew it was because he was the only Chinese member left. But still, it hit him like a brick when the words escaped Yixing's mouth. It felt weird hearing him say that. Not because Sehun doesn't take into consideration Yixing's background or his constant need to be reminded of home in some way. But because to Sehun, where his members came from didn't matter. They grew up together. They're brothers. Maybe it's a flawed way of thinking or maybe Yixing wouldn't be happy with the idea but the thought calmed Sehun down. 

"Nobody matters in this world as much as you do, hyung," Sehun said firmly as they laid back in bed, bodies tangled in a pretty mess on the single mattress. "You know, we can choose whether we let people's opinions get to us or not. Mind you, I know it's hard and I know it takes a while but it's possible if you try,"   
"Do you try?"   
"Every single day. There's not a day in which I don't look up on our forums and read through the threads and while there are so many nice comments, there are also mean ones,"   
"And what do you do?" 

Sehun stopped to think. He doesn't do anything. What is he supposed to do? He can't show those people they're wrong or that their words can actually affect people. All he can do is tell himself that they're full of shit, little trolls spewing venom from behind a screen. Soon, the crying stopped and Yixing was wiping at his salty cheeks. 

"I remind myself of all the reasons they are wrong," Sehun smiles down at his hyung. "While I may not be the best singer, I know I'm trying hard to improve and while my stage presence isn't always strong enough, I try to make up for it in different ways."   
"But this is different, isn't it?" Yixing pouted against Sehun's chest, making his skin tingle.   
"It doesn't have to be, you know you want to stay and that's all that matters," 

The silence that followed was a comfortable one. Sehun knew the older boy was thinking about their conversation, turning it over and analysing it in his head. He also knew that just a simple conversation like this won't make his forget all of his worries but it let Yixing know that Sehun is there for him. 

"Thank you," he murmured, his voice laced with sleep.   
"Don't mention it, that's what friends are for," 

That night's conversation rolled around Sehun's mind for what felt like ages. His limbs were numb with fatigue and his eyes puffy and red but he still couldn't sleep. Instead, he focused on his breathing and started thinking of something else, other than Yixing and his problems. He started thinking about his own ever-growing problem and how his heart was ready to burst with each passing day. Sehun couldn't hold still around Junmyeon. His fingers would twitch, his arms would coil around his own body, his legs would shake, his thighs would quiver and his eyes wouldn’t stop staring. He's just so damn beautiful, whined Sehun in his mind. Sometimes, when he can't sleep, he imagines his hyung lying beside him and holding him closely to his chest. Their cold feet would touch and their fingers would intertwine in Sehun's mind, making his cheeks heat up. The thought of soft, sweet lips against his own and fingers playing along his skin always calmed him down enough to make him sleepy yet he could never truly fall asleep. Sehun hoped to the Heavens above that the situation will sort itself out before he's ever forced to do anything about it. He doesn't want his feelings to come in between them, even though he knows his hyung might be feeling the same. Their industry has a no romantic relationship policy and their country is the equivalent of a faded rainbow. How could Sehun ever think that a relationship between him and another man who happens to also be his bandmate would ever work out? Sehun felt the world pressing on his shoulders as he thought about the possibility of ruining everyone's dream of making it big. He'd rather die lonely and single, or of a broken heart than to even think about putting his brothers at risk,


	8. Throw Me to the Wolves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you," he breathed out, the words a mere puff of breath that lingered on Sehun’s neck. If the room was quiet before, Junmyeon could honestly say it’s dead silent now. He couldn’t even hear his own pulse in his ears anymore. As far as he’s concerned, he might not even have a pulse anymore. He feels so, so relieved to have said those words yet so anxious, scared to hear what the younger has to say.

Junmyeon was tired. And scared. And completely over whatever is going on in his group. It's been years since they all met, years since they debuted yet he feels like he doesn't know them at all. Yeah, maybe their little quirks or bad habits but he's so in the dark about everything else, he might as well be blind. Well, he's trying not to be blind. He helps wherever he can. Bringing snacks around for Minseok and patting his back lovingly when he throws up his meals. Practising breathing exercises with Jongdae and taking Baekhyun and Jongin shopping whenever they can sneak out. He's not a bad leader. He knows that. But it's hard to help when nobody wants help. At first, he thought that they just weren't comfortable talking to him but now, after years of trying to make himself available, to help whenever he can, to be a steady shoulder to cry on, well, now he thinks they just don't want help. Yeah, maybe they need it, but they don't want it.

He might be in the dark most of the time, but he's not blind yet. He can see quite clearly that his band mates are unhappy and it's slowly starting to show on TV. Many choreographers came up to him to ask whether his members get enough sleep and a lot of their fans noticed that they lag a lot during interviews. Heck, even the CEO himself asked Junmyeon what was wrong with his group. He was always in the middle of everything and it was driving him up the walls. He couldn't even count on two hands how many times the manager begged him to do something about it and every time he tried to talk to them, all they did was nod and smile, like little robots. 

That was until he saw his youngest going through something. Junmyeon has always had a soft spot for the youngest, even during their trainee days when their maknae was a pimpled, awkward teenager. Junmyeon took it upon himself to help the boy in any way he could. At first, he thought it was because he was young and cute but then he realised that the reason why Junmyeon took him under his wing was because he wanted to keep him all to himself. He needed to make sure he's safe in an industry that views young talents like Sehun as prey. Junmyeon knew he was slowly getting attached, more than a friend should and he did try to stop it. He told himself many times before that it's ridiculous. That he's taking advantage of the boy's trust. But then Sehun started reciprocating in his awkward, utterly adorable way and Junmyeon's barriers fell down. That's the moment when he said 'fuck it' and decided to take charge of his group, whether they like it or not. It's not like they worked so hard training all those years just to throw it all down the drain and he wasn't about to let anybody destroy that.

Not only did he decide to solve this issue, he also decided to have a chat with their manager about how he could go about it. Their group could not be the only one with problems, he was sure of that. He was currently in the manager's small office. The walls were creamy, the curtains pearly white, the floor boards a rich, deep brown. He would come here more often if it didn't mean something bad was going on. He sat down with their manager and talked things out in what he thought was the longest hour of his entire life. The manager is well known for his long-winded talks which is exactly why nobody ever goes to him for advice, even though that’s what he's there for. His manager's tiny office was also the most uncomfortable place on earth, regardless of how well decorated it is. The square room is small enough to only fit a wooden desk, a desk chair and a second-hand leather chair. In the corner of the room, he had a big potted plant, big enough that it tickled Junmyeon's shoulder when he sat down in front of their manager.  
The conversation flowed well for the most part. Junmyeon tried not to fall asleep in between their manager's lengthy stories about his own friends and families. Frankly speaking, Junmyeon was happy his manager didn't ask him to have drinks, that would have been far more tedious.

"I did have a few of the members coming to me for help, I thought you knew about their problems," the manager said over his steamy cup of coffee.

"I had an idea, but I personally don't believe in butting into people's lives," Junmyeon spoke slowly, trying to explain himself. "I think the best way is letting them come to me for help, but apparently they're not planning to do that anytime soon."

"I don't think they are, no" the manager said and slurped on his coffee. "I think the best way is to talk to them without being intrusive, I mean, things can't go on like this anymore. We all have problems and I understand that the industry is pressuring, I get it, but it's just how the cookie crumbles."

"I get that, I do, it's just," he sighed and lowered his gaze, he laughed tensely. "I don't really think I'm doing a great job."

"You're doing a great job, doing what you do is not easy and nobody is asking you to be perfect, we just need you to be good enough" the manager grinned and Junmyeon nodded softly.

That's how he ended up sitting on a couch with his members, watching a piss poor Christmas movie that looks like it has been shot in a garage with a webcam. The lights were turned off and everyone was in various states of consciousness. It seemed like everyone was happy to be there, for once, yet halfway through the movie everyone started falling asleep. Chanyeol was cuddled up with Baekhyun in the corner, Sehun was lying on his tummy, totally engrossed in the movie, Minseok, Yixing and Jongdae were all chatting quietly amongst themselves. Kyungsoo and Jongin were both playing on their phones and Junmyeon was afraid that he might pass out from the nerves. How was he supposed to talk to them when he couldn't even bring himself to open his mouth without worrying that he'll throw up.

Sehun got up slowly, his movements were lethargic and slow. Stretching, his eyes scanned the room and settled on their anxious, way too pale leader. They both blushed as they stared at each other.

"Are you alright, hyung?" the maknae sounded worried, it made Junmyeon smile.

"Not really," Junmyeon said and mostly everyone turned their attention towards him. Most of them looked confused, some worried.

"What's wrong?" asked Kyungsoo, looking as if he was ready to go fetch a thermometer.

"Uh, well," he stammered, feeling everyone's eyes on him made him heat up even more. "I talked to manager hyung,"

"What did he say?" Chanyeol became frantic as he got up, knocking Baekhyun over slightly.

"Well, uh," Junmyeon wasn't sure where to start. He laughed nervously. "I mean, uh, you all know that things have been tense around here lately. The fans started picking it up during interviews and meet and greets. Well, the company has been pestering me about it for a while now and I, uh, well, I didn't really know what to do."

"I don't get it," Jongin looked around at everyone else, hoping someone will clear things up.

"Don't you?" Junmyeon became desperate, he didn't know how to explain these things to them.

"What hyung is saying is that we've become way too self-involved and not thinking about the group as a whole," Baekhyun piped in.

"Uh, not in a mean way, of course," Junmyeon was sweating buckets by now, his anxiety levels seemed to be flying through the roof and he was really hoping nobody was offended. "I'm just saying, uh, we should try to work things out, I don't know, somehow."

Junmyeon deflated slightly at the sight of the maknae's encouraging smile. The room was very quiet for a moment. Quiet enough that the barking of Jongin's dogs made everyone jump. They all started laughing, even Chanyeol chuckled a bit.

"We're sorry for putting this much pressure on you,"

"Yeah, I'm sure it must have been exhausting,"

"It's just some things are harder to handle,"

"I've been trying to work things out,"

"I'm really sorry, hyung,"

Everyone started talking, apologising and trying to make things right. Junmyeon sat back down on the couch feeling completely overwhelmed. He rested his elbows on his knees and watched them all talk to each other, one more flustered than the other. He should have totally expected this kind of reaction from eight men who could easily get overly excited. He stared at each member helplessly, feeling his body go slack, he waited until the chatter quieted down. The room suddenly became silent. Minseok stood up and Junmyeon watched him closely as the oldest member sat down next to him and pulled him into a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered against Junmyeon's hair. "I should have been the one taking care of this,"

Minseok spoke quietly as if disturbing the unexpected silence will shatter the younger man, who smiled in return. Slowly, they all settled back down in various positions of unrest. Junmyeon has never felt more at home, especially in the past year or so. He felt as though Christmas came early as he watched his members chat quietly amongst themselves after what he calls a drought of laughter. It has been too long since they all came together as one, which he found ironic and maybe a bit sad. When they each found out what their slogan should be they all had different reactions to it even though it made sense. After a while, an unsettled feeling crept its way into the unity of the group and they lost three members whom Junmyeon even called his brothers. That's when the 'we are one' became a phrase uttered with only half a mouth and no heart. He felt ashamed when that started happening. He felt like the trust that was pushed onto him to lead the group and make sure things run as smoothly as possible was broken and for a while, he couldn't really forgive himself.

"Look, I'm not asking any of you to talk to me unless you want to," his leader voice carried and everyone's attention was drawn to him immediately. 

"What I am asking of you is to understand that whatever problems you have; you don't have to fight it on your own."

"You're acting like there's nothing bothering you," snarled Baekhyun, although there was no bite in his words.

"We all have problems, it's just what people do," shrugged Sehun tiredly.

Junmyeon watched their maknae closely, something he does more than he cares to admit. He scanned the young eyes that were always too exhausted to stay fully open, the slouched shoulders and bad posture made him look like he might fall at any given time. It made Junmyeon's chest tighten with worry and sorrow. He knows Baekhyun is right, yet he doesn't see how falling in love could ever be the problem. The backwards society he's a part of, yeah, a clear, prominent problem. Sehun? Never an issue. Junmyeon's heart skipped a beat when the younger's eyes locked with his and they held each other like that for a short while

"Look, the point is, nobody has to deal with their problems alone," he spoke steadily as Sehun looked away. "I think we can all agree that by losing Luhan, Yifan and Tao we all kind of shut down."

"But we can move on, right?" muttered Jongin.

"Of course we can," Sehun's voice was monotone, almost emotionless and a bit sarcastic.

"I feel like we're making a big deal out of this," Chanyeol stood up quietly and moved towards the door. "All we need to do is to try harder."

"And communicated better," Junmyeon added before Chanyeol could leave. The younger boy nodded and smiled, then left.

The rest of the members soon made their way to their bedrooms. The hands of the clock stroke midnight and Junmyeon was still in the same spot on the couch, thinking over the night's events. He felt relieved in a way, happy to make some sort of progress. He didn't think that getting everyone together would actually accomplish anything worthwhile yet he feels like the air has cleaned now, there's less tension in the house as people began moving around more freely. Chanyeol spent the better part of the night reading in their too tiny balcony whilst Baekhyun went out with Jongin and the dogs. Jongdae and Minseok decided to play a multiplayer game that Junmyeon has never heard of and then they both went to sleep in the same bed whilst Yixing and Kyungsoo went to sleep as soon as they finished their family meeting.

Yet Junmyeon was troubled. He knew that the younger wasn't asleep and that he was most likely spending the night in his room because Junmyeon was currently occupying the living room. He also knew that the growing frustration of not being able to hold the younger boy and comfort him was driving him crazy. He felt powerless in the face of Sehun's illness and he felt like he could do a much better job if the younger just allowed him to get close enough. It's not like Sehun rejects the other's subtle advances, of course not, he just grows cold whenever Junmyeon begins interacting with him. The older knows he's not dreaming every time the younger reciprocates, he's aware of his mutual feelings, he just finds it hard to tell Sehun how he feels.

Chanyeol suddenly stood up and walked back into the living room through the small door. Most things are too small for Chanyeol anyways, thought the leader. The younger boy yawned quietly then waved to his hyung before heading to sleep next to Kyungsoo. The sleeping arrangements are funny whenever EXO-M comes to stay with them. Most of the time they figure it out pretty easily, this time around was not one of those times. Everyone has been so stressed out that sharing such tiny beds put them all on edge, so much that they had to play weird games to assign rooms. Thankfully, Junmyeon got to keep his room. Unfortunately, he isn't rooming with Sehun.

Feeling a surge of blind ambition and a bit of anger, the leader stood up abruptly and sprinted towards Sehun's room. Before he could chicken out again, he knocked on the door twice and prayed that the younger would open before he could run away. The younger opened the door right as Junmyeon was fidgeting with his shirt, looking down at his stripy socks to avoid being awkward. Looking up, he saw the younger soften considerably. His tight shoulders relaxed and his eyes became droopy as Sehun smiled softly at his hyung. Junmyeon felt his heart trying to climb up his oesophagus as the younger moved to let him walk into the tiny room.

He couldn't breathe. The air was filled with the young man's strong cologne and something so inherently Sehun, it made Suho's would spin. He turned to look at the man he was so utterly in love with and he couldn't help the small sigh that escaped his lips. Sehun is all long limbs, broad shoulders, perky everything yet the way he just stood there quietly, looking at him, he looked so damn soft and perfect. Junmyeon wanted to weep.

"I can't do this anymore," he muttered as he sat down at the foot of the bed. He thumbed with his shirt then moved on to fidget with his fingers whilst his heart threatened to leap out of his chest. He always knew just how madly in love he was with the younger boy and he also was aware of the consequences, he had to be. Yet the whole monologue that kept him from confessing to Sehun was now getting louder and louder in his head, giving him a headache and heart palpitations. Looking up, he saw the younger chew on his bottom lip, one of his bad habits, as he shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other. The boy was clearly trying to fall asleep before Junmyeon knocked on his door, going by the basketball shorts and ratty old t-shirt. Junmyeon couldn’t help but admire just how beautiful and mature the boy turned out to be. If anyone would have asked him years ago if he could ever fall in love with another man, he would have laughed and told them they’re crazy. Junmyeon still thinks like that to some degree, he mostly doesn’t know what to think about his sexuality. But he knows that when it comes to Sehun, everything he was taught since birth about gender roles, gender and sexuality has been thrown out the window.

"What?" Sehun’s tired, somewhat monotone voice woke him up out of his staring trance. His heart began hammering again in his chest, louder and harder now as he stood up swiftly, despite the ache in his pained body. He bit his lip and moved in on the younger boy, who visibly tensed up. Junmyeon knew Sehun felt the same way, he knew that the younger had to be at least a little bit interested in him, given his reactions to all of his advances, all the lovely heart eyed staring he’s always doing. He cannot be wrong about this. But what if he is? Junmyeon wanted to throw up from the nerves.

"I love you," he breathed out, the words a mere puff of breath that lingered on Sehun’s neck. If the room was quiet before, Junmyeon could honestly say it’s dead silent now. He couldn’t even hear his own pulse in his ears anymore. As far as he’s concerned, he might not even have a pulse anymore. He feels so, so relieved to have said those words yet so anxious, scared to hear what the younger has to say.

Sehun’s face contorted in an array of emotions and expressions. His eyes darted rapidly between Junmyeon’s eyes where they lingered, to his lips. The boy stood still for what felt like ages and Junmyeon was anxiously getting ready to pull the younger away from the door and just bold out, run away and possibly fly to another country. He started questioning himself, doubting his rash decision and scolding himself for being too inappropriate. Slowly, he backed away only for the younger to follow him and grasp his wrist. The older boy looked down at their hands and felt his face heat up slowly all the way up to the tips of his ears. The younger looked deeply into his eyes as he softly intertwined their fingers and squeezed their hands together as if to reassure his hyung that he doesn’t have to be scared.

“Oh,” Sehun finally said, his lips pulling up into a lovely smile, making Junmyeon’s heart and tummy do funny things. The younger nodded softly at him and pulled him in with his long arms. Junmyeon’s hips tingled where Sehun placed his big hands and he gasped softly at how close they were. He couldn’t help but think of all the times he initiated any sort of physical contact, but this time it’s so much better, so much sweeter and mind-numbingly perfect. They leant into each other and Junmyeon couldn’t take his eyes away from the younger’s exposed perfect jaw, making him wonder if everything about the boy is all sharp angles and raw masculinity. It made Junmyeon’s world spin as their chests were pressed together now. Sehun leant down further into the leader, their breaths mingled and their lips almost touched. They were so damn close, the older could feel Sehun’s breath on his cheeks.

Closing his eyes, Junmyeon knew the younger was an asshole when it comes to pranking and teasing, so he pushed up on his tip toes and connected their lips in a swift motion. His heart skipped a beat as his arms went around Sehun’s neck and his fingers tangled in his soft, blonde hair. The kiss deepened when Junmyeon parted his lips and the younger’s tongue dragged softly across his lower lip. The younger’s grip on his hips made Junmyeon’s legs buckle slightly, as Sehun licked into his mouth and sucked on his tongue as though he has done this plenty of times before. The younger gripped Junmyeon tightly as they tasted the ins and outs of each other, breaking apart for slight breaths of air before diving back into the warmth of each other. Junmyeon revelled in the way the young boy held him, in the way Sehun made him want to mould into him because kissing the younger felt like the sweetest victory there is. His mouth tasted of buttery popcorn and strawberries and Junmyeon couldn’t get enough of it, he was sure that even if this is their last kiss, he will forever have it ingrained in the back of his mind, ranked as the best kiss Junmyeon has ever had. They pushed and pulled, their teeth were clashing and tongues dragging sweetly against each other. Sehun felt helpless, he wanted to take everything and give out twice as much, he was a demanding kisser, full of passion and hot everything. He felt their bodies click into place as they kissed fervently. 

Finally.

Pulling back, Junmyeon watched the younger’s reaction as they both regained their breaths. He tried to take in everything; the lovely flush that spread down the younger’s chest, the blown out pupils, the parted, swollen pink lips, the constantly rising chest. He wanted to commit it all to memory for all those lonely moments he normally finds himself in, a source of comfort you could say. Junmyeon bit his own lip and searched the younger’s eyes as he caught his breath, looking for something, anything but the younger rarely ever gives anything away. The maknae will forever be a book that’s hard to read. 

“Finally,” the younger muttered and Junmyeon giggled as he pulled the younger on the bed. They laid in each other’s arms, in complete silence for what felt like long hours. Sehun rubbed his hyung’s back in soft, even circles and the leader drew little symbols on the younger’s chest. He found himself completely relaxed as he listened to the boy’s strong heartbeat and he realised that even though he felt fine most of the time, he hasn’t felt this relaxed, this calm in so long, he forgot what that actually feels like. Humming softly, he looked up at the younger and caught him staring back at him. Blushing wildly, Junmyeon puckered up his lips and Sehun chuckled at his hyung. Giving in, he leant down and pecked the leader’s lips over and over again.


	9. Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Finally, Sehun was awake."

Sehun couldn't really comprehend the way things have changed in a month and a half. The sun was beaming, the birds were singing and Kyungsoo was in charge of breakfast again. That meant eating waffles, toast and oatmeal drizzled with fresh honey and a colourful array of fruits. It also meant that Jongdae was in charge of squeezing fresh orange juice every morning. Two weeks into March and the EXO members decided the dorm needed a makeover. Chanyeol and Sehun moved the furniture, Jongin and Taemin re-decorated in shades of blue, green and yellow and Yixing took it upon himself to order garden- fresh produce twice every week. The whole house seemed to be so full of light and warmth, it felt like everyone was finally a family again. 

Sehun decided he liked this new arrangement. He would fall asleep on Junmyeon's chest in the living room on the overly fluffed throw pillows. He would wake up early in the morning to the waft of a sweet breakfast and the quiet murmurs of his friends coming from the kitchen. His boyfriend would chuckle at his confused face and pull him into a too-lovely-to-describe morning kiss. Junmyeon would card his fingers through Sehun's hair, he would massage the scalp before gripping the blonde locks tightly in his fist and smashing his mouth against Sehun's willing, open lips. The younger would twist and turn and wrap himself around their leader. He would whimper and shiver in Junmyeon's arms before a loud cough would pull them apart. One of their friends would be standing in the doorway with a distinct reaction depending on who it would be.

Kyungsoo would scoff, his palms would be perched on his hips and he would have this slightly constipated look on his face. He would call them to breakfast before marching out, finally smiling to himself. 

Jongin would blush prettily and excuse himself. 

Chanyeol would wolf-whistle and motion towards the kitchen. Sehun would hurl abuse at his retreating form. 

Jongdae would snap pictures and laugh when the two lovers would stand by him, demanding to have the photos deleted. 

Baekhyun would jump on the lovers and demand kisses, only to be wrapped in their new throw and rolled off the couch. 

Yixing would smile his big, bright, beautiful smile before apologising and asking them to breakfast. 

Minseok would tut and tap his foot in hopes he wouldn't have to break them apart. He would then drag the two to the kitchen where he would struggle with two waffles but would pile on the fruits. 

They would make their way to the kitchen hand in hand. Junmyeon would smile up at Sehun who would rest his feet against his boyfriend's cold toes, hoping to warm them up. They would eat and laugh with the others all the while stealing glances at each other. Sehun would notice the soft gaze in his hyung's eyes and he would hide his blush by heaping more food onto his plate. Junmyeon would cover his smile into his mug of steaming coffee and the others would stifle their retorts with day to day conversation. 

The couple would retreat to their room and prepare for the day. Junmyeon would sneak his arms around Sehun's naked waist, he would leave little kisses on his spine while the younger would giggle and turn towards his lover. Sehun would swoop the older boy into his arms. He would burrow his face in the crook of his neck and let himself relax into Junmyeon's warm embrace. The younger boy would breathe in Junmyeon’s natural scent and his body would slack against his hyung’s smaller one. They would pull apart and rest their foreheads against each other. They would search the other’s eyes and smile softly when the only thing they could find in beautiful black orbs would be pure love and affection. They would dress for the day, jumping in between heaps of clothes and jewellery and makeup whilst giggling and laughing to themselves. Even the double room was too small for two people to properly fit in it. 

"How have you been sleeping?" Asked Jongdae as they were piling into their van. The EXO manager come to pick them up early for their first schedule of the day; a morning radio show that Kyungsoo totally adored and was meticulously preparing for in the back of their van. Sighing, Sehun sat down and pondered the question. Yixing slammed the door shut and Sehun flinched. 

"Better, a lot better," he murmured towards his friend who was staring at him expectantly. Jongdae nodded his head. "How is your anxiety?" 

Jongdae looked away and chewed on his bottom lip. It was something most of the members did when questioned about their problems. Sehun wasn't really bothered by their lack of response, most of the time he just wanted to make sure they were fine. The other times he was simply curious, but who could blame him when all their lives were far more entertaining than his. 

"Better," he paused. "I think, I don’t know. I try not to overthink things, that only makes it worse." 

Sehun nodded dumbly, not sure of how to respond. The rest of the ride was quiet despite Junmyeon's constant need to remind them of their schedule and the things they were supposed to say. Or not supposed to say. Sehun fell asleep half way through the monologue so he wasn't quite sure. All he knew was that even though things were still shaky in some parts and they were still so far away from a healthy mindset, all the members have come so far and Sehun was proud. But he was the proudest of himself. He wasn't sure how he came to that conclusion, but scoring a boyfriend, slowly ridding himself of his insomnia and helping his friends made him feel good about himself. Something he hadn't felt before. 

Finally, Sehun was awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :)


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